[Audio]Broadcast to all, faction nonspecific

[ceciiil]

[If you have a smartphone or equivalent communications device using the network on you or near you, it flickers into life with a polite crackle. Communications devices canbe powered off at any time if you don't wish to hear the broadcast.]

Greetings, citizens of the local rift-influenced community. You know who you are. Or at least, I hope you do, because I sure don't. My name is Cecil, and like you, I was recently deposited here by the rift. Back home, it was my job to keep the public safe and informed by reporting on events impacting the community, including road closings, natural disasters, and acts of most gods. I'm broadcasting to you live, with the help of the TARDIS, regarding something much, much more terrifying: Street cleaning.

I know the rift community is a diverse one, with people hailing from all kinds of alternate universes, planes of existence, and purely fictional realities. It is my duty as a news affiliate to make sure none of you are caught flat-footed, and subsequently devoured or ground into a paste which is then burned to fuel the city, by a menace you don't even know to expect. Chances are pretty good that will happen even if you are forewarned, but leveling the playing field seems like the least I can do. And can we just take a minute to appreciate the innovation behind this alternative energy source? Real green thinking!

Listeners, I've been through this before, and let me just say, street cleaning is not the end of the world. Actually, according to my sources, the end of the world will be comparatively bloodless, so that's one major difference, right there. Normally, I'd advise evacuating the area before it's too late, but of course as 'Riftugees' we are not permitted to leave. Burning off your fingerprints and fleeing to Europe is not, I repeat, is not going to save you this time. So just...keep a low profile, make peace with whatever deities you prefer, and try to loot respectfully.

I will be at this impromptu broadcasting station, located inside the space/time ship known as the TARDIS, until this crisis is over. Please call in for survival tips or with eye-witness accounts--[Cecil's voice is muffled, no longer directed at the microphone, as he asks a question, and another voice can be heard in the background. The words are indistinct, but the answering voice is female and the tone is distinctly one of chastisement. The discussion continues for some time, before Cecil addresses the mic once more.] Listeners, I need to issue a correction, here. Ships that travel in space and time do not exist, and if they did, it still would have been extremely rude and forgetful of me to acknowledge that fact publicly, even during a catastrophic event. Again, space/time ships are not real, and I apologize. The number for calling in is [_______]. I look forward to hearing from survivors, or non-survivors capable of manipulating electricity and phone lines.

Comments

[bluesuit_handy]

[Andrew's tone is urgent; he's definitely thinking of his loved ones right now.]

Is it safe to assume that street cleaning means they're only after people actually out in the streets?

[ceciiil]

[Wow, not even a greeting, are things really that dire? Yes. But is that an excuse? ...Yes. Cecil is nonetheless a bit put out, though he tries to maintain his soothing and informative air. And does a pretty good job of it, if he has to say so himself.]

It isn't safe to assume anything. Ever. In fact, it's not just unsafe, it's potentially lethal. Also, questionably legal. However, staying off the streets is definitely in your best interest tonight!

[bluesuit_handy]

[More important things right now, Cecil. More important things.]

...True. And also fair. But not entirely helpful; what can we actually expect from them in terms of where they do and don't go?

[ceciiil]

Well, they do take up space. And their turning radius is rumored to be...less than stellar. But that's the thing with trying to hide, you assume you've picked somewhere secure or narrow enough, but then if that turns out not to be the case, you're just trapped, you know? It's like a double-edged sword. That then turns around and eats your hand. So, best to stay indoors, for sure. Avoid windows and doors, keep the lights low. Also avoid plumbing, and your refrigerator. Mirrors, too. But that's just good advice in general. [This as yet unnamed caller probably already knows that, but Cecil has to keep the rest of his audience in mind! Who knows if they even teach refrigerator safety in this universe.]

[bluesuit_handy]

Why, exactly? What's dangerous about the refrigerator?

[No, he doesn't know. He even sounds just a little bit doubtful -- while this sonorous voice is clearly the most trustworthy person in all of Manhattan, he hasn't given a reason for why Andrew should be worried about his appliances.]

[ceciiil]

What isn't? I mean, the doors can really get some momentum behind them, take a finger right off. Especially the old fashioned kind, with the spinny wheel instead of the keypad. But let's not get sidetracked. Do you have any other concerns about street cleaning specifically?

[bluesuit_handy]

Fingers....

No, I think that's enough. I need to talk to my partner right now.